96

breaking open.

why do you think you’re broken? because bad things happened or because you have everything all mixed up, backwards and wrong inside? “both,” you say? ok. forget about the first one; it doesn’t matter. the second one is meant; we are supposed to be broken inside.

how else would we grow? everything that grows in nature requires a breaking open. even at home, in your kitchen, you have to break a few eggs to get breakfast. as an aside: people who avoid animal products know there’s nothing quite like a real egg. but on the topic, we were not meant to pass through this life miraculously unscathed. the miracle is life after death. we were not meant to come all this way just to be the same person going out as we were coming in.

and guess what, no one signs up for a bad time. even if you did, you could always change your mind. a feeling is just an outfit, a try-on. the only way to experience a feeling is to feel it. that doesn’t mean it’s yours, that doesn’t mean you have to take it home with you to wear every day, and that doesn’t mean it looks good on you. of course, you’d have to let it crash into you and move all the way through. you’ll be glad to remember that it’s your party; you can cry all you need to.

it’s your movie; you can stage the greatest comeback of your life. if anyone had ultimate backing to do so, it would be you.

95

when it’s time.

look at everything you have accomplished. imagine if you had asked for permission beforehand. half of these things wouldn’t have gotten done. think about it. what did asking permission ever get you? it got you a bunch of not getting in trouble for not asking permission when you were a child. that’s it. so don’t do it. don’t ask for permission. you’re not a child. do the brave thing. do the thing you haven’t done before.

and if it doesn’t turn out well, if it doesn’t turn out how you wanted, don’t even apologize. people don’t want apologies. they want you to acknowledge the harm or shortcoming in your changed behavior and through different results. this you can do quietly. so stop apologizing. fewer “i’m sorry’s” and more looking, more paying attention. less talking and more feeling into what’s really happening.

separately, it is absolutely good manners to over-communicate and mind your p’s and q’s and to announce all of your moves in advance. that’s fine. as an adult, you’ll have to determine when it’s time for manners and when it’s time to trust your gut and follow that inner guidance. when you become quiet, open and still, you’ll meet the part of you that just knows.

94

be a leader.

the king and queen, as powerful as they are, are not the leader. not even the bishop is the leader, no. the leader is the person playing; she is not a game piece on the chessboard.

what is a leader? a leader gives people what they need so that they can do what they need to do, so that they can do what’s right. that’s the entire function. you’re a leader or you’re not. you’ve taken responsibility for yourself and the people around you or you haven’t.

everyone on the board has their separate functions, together with strengths, weaknesses and natural ways of working. the leader’s job is to learn each of the game pieces through close observation and careful study. they discover and connect with your secret ambitions. the leader does not blame anyone but herself when there’s a loss; she protects and serves.

as she is guided by her own light, and her light alone, it is her job to reveal the light of the team and to allow each person to shine. this is how you build an army that answers when you call and is ready to run through a brick wall for you.

93

doing it right.

do you feel like your whole life has been trying to break you? maybe the trick is to surrender your body (do what you need to do) and at the same time, know that nothing can break you, ever (be who you are meant to be).

you are your soul. your soul possesses a physical body and an emotional body. these are what we use to navigate our journey over lifetimes. the stories we carry forward animate the particulars: the artifacts and game pieces that function like types of equipment we would find at a gym. our lives are tools for practice, supplying a supporting cast of characters, along with costumes and props for the drama, presenting the indoor rock wall that helps us climb the mountain within.

life unfolds for the soul to evolve. who are you in this lifetime? are you a lover? a fighter? both? keep going, even if the battles don’t seem to end. keep fighting, even if love hasn’t arrived yet. keep rattling the cage until it’s dust at your feet.

what if winning is a realization: that we can’t ever lose because there’s nothing to lose? what if having it all doesn’t mean having many things, but rather, the complete freedom of “nothing left to lose” because it means there’s nothing left to hold us back? whether it’s fear, comfort, stability – whatever we’ve built or achieved, clung to or hid behind, until now. what is holding us back from more? what is holding us back from who we really are? what’s the difference between a surviving a shipwreck and the surfer on a waxed board?

you know you’re doing it right when you don’t know what’s next, but you know that you will use whatever it is to be free.

92

we’ll soon find out.

do not confuse your first act with your second. how it’s been is not how it’s meant to end. this moment is a threshold. the cell door is about to open and the curtain has just come down for intermission. everyone in the audience is asking the same question they’re whispering backstage: is this the lifetime that our protagonist sets herself free? her biggest battle has been the same for all lifetimes. but tickets were so expensive because this could be the one where it actually happens.

we meet her in the cellblock. we meet her in all the ways she has ever been trapped; in the bed where she’s always lain, with the song of her soul and a blue sky dream of freedom just on the other side of a high window, among the guards and cellmates that have become friends, serving under the fearsome voice of a faceless warden.

act one poses the question that must be answered in act two: “here’s what she’s always known. is this what she wants?” we aren’t sure how she’s done it, but it becomes obvious that act one is an obstacle course that the protagonist herself has set into motion. though we hear very few details of her crimes, we witness her punishment as it unfolds. act two will show us one of two scenes, and we will soon understand the nature of free will: does it exist? and if it does, how free is it?

when the chimes ring for the audience to find their seats, we will see whether she bounds out of her cell with the fury and joy of a thousand lifetimes or whether prison of mind is the tragedy of humanity. if every day, our only job is to show up as the version of ourselves that wants to be free, we can trust ourselves to do the right thing when the prison gate opens. they’ll not find us hanging back in our cell, having finally learned that we were always free, old comforts be damned.

91

year of the snake.

addiction subverts desire and blocks our blessings. if you can let the craving, the false need pass, you’ll be left with a beautiful desire that can actually be fulfilled and truly enjoyed.

no one enjoys a thing less than the person who is addicted to it. of course there’s pleasure, but it’s the most fleeting high of your life; the addict becomes trapped in the energetic of desire-only, unable to access fulfillment. think about it. how can you enjoy the one if you’re chasing endless? if one is too many because there’s never enough? gluttony lacks trust; its reward and punishment is the crown of addiction.

addiction says, “take the cup with these holes cleverly drilled into it and look away from the endless source within.” spend 40 days in the desert with your devils and get clear. break through the lies: that you can’t have what you want, that it exists outside of you, and that within you is a big, gaping lack that will never be filled, even if you throw all the money in the world, and all of your pleasure and pain into it. that you cannot be fulfilled. that all is a lie.

be a snake, intuitive and grounded. shed your old, protective skins. be self-sourced. renew yourself. be so humble and powerful on your own that no creature, great or small, can confuse your kindness for weakness, or restraint for temerity.

90

you don’t need what you want.

addiction is so bad for the body. but what if the real problem is something else? what if the purpose of addiction is to alert us to an even greater misalignment? a misunderstanding that the soul sought to correct, a lesson we needed, having set a specific intention to heal it in this lifetime?

what you want and cannot get enough of —whether it’s pain, pleasure or oblivion— that’s not what’s interesting. at most, it seems strange or silly to want endless pain, pleasure or oblivion. if it doesn’t seem rational, maybe it’s not. peer into the mind of an addict and you’ll witness the forever inquiry of, “why do i want this?” and “why do i think i need it?” inside the ravenous loop of, “can’t believe i’m doing it again,” and “can’t believe i can’t get enough.” every low, a new low, and yet, the thing itself is not the problem.

the path is to remember that whatever it is we want, we don’t need it. that’s the off-ramp. it’s clearly marked. but addiction disguises what we want as what we need, which is simply not true. addiction is the allegory that points us to the real problem: the internal misalignment.

what we think we want from the world, we call them “needs,” though we need none of them to be whole: love, validation, safety, presence, peace, understanding, power, permission, recognition, connection. we lack nothing. it already exists within. and we have to locate the inner wellspring before we can experience it with anyone else. try loving someone who doesn’t love herself and you’ll see what i mean. try being a safe person for someone that is dangerous to himself. try having a relationship with someone who is deeply disconnected from their own wants, needs, identity and power.

once we remember that we don’t need anything from anyone, we can let go. it would be nice to have what we want from people and places, but we can learn to survive, and we were designed to thrive. the addiction, the pain, it’s a message in our service. the illusion of lack is always pointing us to the abundance within. surrender to the pain, let it guide you home, to the divine light within that lacks nothing. stop wanting what the world can’t give you. you can’t be in control. and no one can give you what you owe to yourself.

89

you are the key.

the shadow is that which we do not recognize even as it is drawn out of us. these are the strengths, weaknesses, talents, vices, compulsions and drives that we witness and become responsible for as we find ourselves embodying them.

we must then ask, do i want this in my body? do i want my body to participate? am i willing to serve as an instrument for this energy? is this shadow aspect the real me? should i feed it? shall i cast her out or welcome her inside? will she then leave peacefully or is this her home?

what’s at stake is whether and how you remain a stranger to yourself. will you let all the crying dissuade you from peeling back the onion? other people show you to yourself and then you must learn who you are before you can know others. you can meet others only as far as you can meet yourself.

do you have a favorite version of yourself? you probably met her through your favorite person. and guess what? you can be this favorite version of yourself with or without a favorite person. you can enjoy yourself all the time and give your actual favorite person the most beautiful experience of being needed because they are loved, instead of loved because they are needed. your favorite person unlocks you and then you must become the key.

face your shadow. create yourself. be the cause of your life and not the effect. break the limits in your relationship with yourself, enter the realm of expansiveness, and you will have less time for limiting relationships with others.

88

what’s not flowing?

they don’t see your value? maybe they’re not meant to. they won’t promote you? maybe you aren’t there for that. they won’t meet you where you are? maybe you’re meant to meet them where they are. love hurts? maybe it’s something else. can’t get your body right? sit down and listen; you’re not here to perform. can’t seem to get anywhere? time to go within.

the escape room won’t let you out with the puzzles half-solved. if you refuse the meal you’ll be served another until you’ve cleaned your plate and memorized the recipe for humble pie. gotta grow a bit more, maybe a few more years before they let you onto the next rollercoaster; they wouldn’t want you too scared or too small to fully enjoy it. car won’t start? maybe a long walk will do you better than a short drive. getting bored in the playroom? maybe time to start your new adventures outside. best friends starting to feel weird? maybe that’s not what they are.

we won’t always know what’s going on or why. but it was man and not beast that invented prayer. ask for the gift of sight: “help me to perceive what i perceive. help me see what i need to see, when i need to see it.” ask for healing: “i am sorry. please forgive me. thank you. i love you.” and when the battle within arises to finally leave you, help it along: “out of my body. out of my body.” in motion, in stillness, find your flow.

87

what you are.

we attract what we are. that person in your life is showing you something about yourself, not about herself. is she your nemesis? your opposite? who cares about her and her limitations and follies?! keep looking at her in the face until you can read the message. it’ll burn until it clicks.

fighting her, ignoring her or vilifying the messenger wastes your own time. she’ll stay at your house until the unconscious becomes conscious. there are no enemies outside; all of your enemies are within. the world is a mirror and reality is your clay; you form it into shape. the world is a river full of fish, but you’ll only see and feel this abundance after you’ve cleared the unconscious blocks to receiving. abundance is in the spiritual realm and you find it there before it can flow to you.

the frustrating thing that keeps showing up reflects how you’ve been frustrating your own desires and progress. there’s somewhere else you need to be, beyond where you are now. your soul asked for this to be shown because it’s ready for release. and you have to know that “ready” doesn’t mean “readily.” releasing what no longer aligns might be the hardest thing you ever do. some drugs you can quit in a matter of days and they’re gone, out of your system, just like that. they’ve served their purpose in your story.

other drugs take a lifetime to quit. you’ll have to wake up and choose yourself, every day, every time, until your head hits the pillow. some days will be harder than others. this is a different kind of gift: the most important choice of your life, as often as you need reminding.

86

your story.

after a while, everything is just stories. it’s no longer your childhood, it’s just a story you grew up with; you are no longer playing out that narrative. the generational cycles you witnessed and carried with shame no longer have a hold on you; you release them and they release you.

the early promises that you’ll never do what they did, that you’ll accept only the opposite of what you had always known, reveals the lack and keeps you stuck. when the nouveau riche parade new wealth, it doesn’t feel like it’s theirs. doing and proving abundance is not how we release the fear of scarcity. you have to be the abundance, love, beauty, validation and safety you seek. the striving against only helps you partway; you have yet to fully arrive and receive what’s yours.

life is meant to take you from the illusion of, “i lack [the thing],” to “i can go out and get [the thing],” and failing that, to, “i am [the thing].” follow your heart and fight the limitations in your mind so that your soul can shine. integrate the versions of yourself that questioned whether you came all this way just to experience the persistent not-having of what you desire the most, together with the intermediate versions whose eyes started to open and question whether your blessings were somehow a mistake or just temporary. you will begin to understand the difference between what belongs to you and what does not.

your blessings are real, they are yours, and they will continue to flow into your life as you set aside the old stories and illusions of lack. you will have to keep going through whatever you’re growing through until you like your reality. until your story becomes your favorite story.

85

your actual job.

what you do in the world has to support what you do in your heart, mind and soul. starting companies or even charity work, is not your purpose. if these activities do not help you to do what it is you came in this lifetime to do within yourself and for yourself, then your purpose is something else and we can’t use your job as a shorthand for your actual purpose.

now, it would be some inner work that you don’t even know about yet (there’s more life ahead of you) or it’s growth you’ve been avoiding. and once you start addressing that inner purpose, the goal of your soul, it will be so much easier to identify what you should do and not do, out in the world.

whatever it is has to help you to be proud of yourself, not be the thing that makes you proud of yourself. it would sound like this, “wow. i’m so thankful that i can afford to teach because i have always wanted to be the kind of person i really needed when i was a kid.” or, “i’m so thankful for this job because it gives me the time and financial means by which i can now make my art, and finally explore all of who i really am.” maybe, “i really like my job because i like helping people get things done, knowing how it feels to not get any help for hard things.”

then it could be ok to say the job is your purpose, if you want.

84

category of memory.

everyone has a very special category of memory called, “the worst thing(s) that ever happened to me that i could never tell anyone.” what we can hardly bear ourselves but cannot have help for. we can’t bring ourselves to ask. we can’t reveal the hurt. we can’t let anyone know something so trivial or vile or embarrassing could ever touch us, triggering all our shame and deepest fears. they are for us, alone.

now, what would it take to turn this into the best thing that ever happened to you? even if success could only bring you to zero or neutrality about it? if we can’t wish that it never happened, if the goal is to somehow never regret and yet never find ourselves back there, we will have to treat our private tragedies as sacred, secret initiations into our purpose.

if you still don’t know how this could be the best thing that ever happened for you, you have to keep going. everyone is on a journey, whether out in the world or inside, to the depths. keep showing up, keep digging in. if you can’t get to, “always wish it happened,” don’t worry that you haven’t yet arrived. the path will continue to unfold until the heartbreak becomes a mystery becomes a miracle, in the most perfect way that only your soul could have known to ask for.

83

two lives.

this is your story. you are the hero. you are the dragon. you are the princess.

the hero must take up arms. the dragon must be slain. the princess is trapped in her tower. there is a battle, and when the smoke clears, all parts of you grieve. the dragon was a worthy opponent. there were so many years spent alone, in the tower. and the armor needs to come off so you can go home and till your fields.

the princess becomes real only after she steps down from the tower, no longer an icon or figurehead, she can now be free. the hero doesn’t know what he has been fighting for until he’s permitted to go home to it. the fire-breathing dragon protected its gold until it was finally time to rest. wildflowers have now taken root where blood soaked the ground.

you fight yourself. you rescue yourself. then you can go home. everyone dies in the end. but it takes two lives to truly live.

82

when the game ends.

what if, when the game ends, they have only two questions for us: [1] did you escape? and [2] did you receive all that was meant for you?

did you escape. did you escape the patterns, limitations and addictions that your soul wanted to grow through in this lifetime? you know. the ones you had asked those people and places to help you remember, by having the cycles imprinted onto your childhood or for years into adulthood? the ones you were supposed to wake up to, bound and trapped, so that you could finally start fighting for your life.

did you receive. all that is meant for us is everything we ever wanted, for as long as we can remember, aching in the deepest part of our soul. we needed to escape, to tear down what was blocking out the light. what’s meant for us will not lose its way. we are the lost; we must walk the path back to ourselves. and when we are found, we come home, as does everything that was meant for us all along.

escape is our free will. to receive, we must surrender. what if man is the only animal with the capacity for both? it is the divine within, or spirit, that expresses itself through free will. and it is only by virtue of our clay, in this meat suit, that surrender is an achievement. the body must surrender and the soul must be free. this is how we experience heaven on earth.

81

no good reason.

there is no good reason for people to treat you poorly.

“they had [the terrible thing happen], which is why they [do the terrible things] when they are overwhelmed. so not only do i take the extra steps and necessary precautions to make their life easier, i must also put up with [all their terrible behavior].” no. and when you finally cut out the garbage you were tolerating from others, even knowing the whole story and exactly where it all came from, you’ll come home to find all the ways you still treat yourself poorly.

“i had a bad childhood, which is why i eat/drink/spend/shout about it.” no. you don’t have to drink until you get fired again. you don’t have to eat until you hate yourself. you don’t have to shop until the garage is full and your wallet is empty. you don’t have to be violent just because it’s the house you grew up in.

sometimes the hard work is not in doing more: more gym, more control, more journaling, more meditation. sometimes the hard work is in doing less: less shame, less blame, less judgment, less anger. when we refuse to treat ourselves poorly, it becomes easier to release the negativity we used to justify, empathize with and maybe even agree with.

there are thousands of reasons for lack of kindness in the world. none of them matter. there is never a good reason for anyone to treat you poorly, and that includes you.

80

up to you.

the biggest step is to desire differently. you don’t like what’s happening but it keeps going like that? while it is not for you to change, it is up to you to change. first you change, whether it’s your mind or your behavior or your heart, and then you can see if anyone else is willing to come along. like a good experiment, the perfect place to test a variable is where you can hold all others constant.

now, you will have to admit that you were willing to compromise, that a part of you was going to be ok even if things were to remain as they were, less than ideal. go and talk to this part of you. you will find that one of your younger selves has a survival story, a rationale for the maladaptive coping mechanism that has now come up for review and retirement. we bring all parts of ourselves into the future with us after we have gently, firmly and compassionately made clear that we are safe enough to want more and safe enough to let go of settling for less.

you want life to feel better? it’s up to you to change. when a beautiful stranger comes along and opens your cell door, this is not a punishment. it’s your future self. they have come back to save you and bring you into the light. but they’ll not drag you out. you will have to expand your desire so that you can walk the path.

79

no one will stop you.

how would you know you’re carrying a germ until you start getting yucky or uncomfortable? be kind to yourself when you look back upon choices that resulted in pain or mess. you needed to see what was inside, waiting to be healed and released; and the only way was for it to be made manifest.

did you crash your car, break your body or love someone you allowed to hurt you? sometimes you learn before you step in mud and sometimes you learn while cleaning it off. and now you know. there’s no such thing as wasting years of your life because it’s always now. you can waste this moment lamenting the past, indulging in shame or fearing the future. but you already know that road. choose differently. start now.

some decisions you make just once. others must be made over and over to stick. we move from unconscious to conscious to then expanding that consciousness. life is lived in a spiral, not a straight line. so it’s natural that we will be invited to revisit certain challenges. this is a reminder of our free will. you meet yourself when you realize there is no one to stop you. so you’ll have to stop yourself digging the hole deeper. or you will have to allow yourself to fly and be free.

78

the bottom of the ocean.

when “these things happen” and we are knocked off the side of the boat, we have three choices: [1] we can let ourselves drown. [2] we can make our way back to the surface, as soon as the initial shock gives way to the realization that we cannot let ourselves sink any further down. or [3] we can decide that having already fallen so far deep, why not make our way to the bottom of the ocean and find out what’s down there? visit all the coral, glow-in-the-dark lifeforms, buried treasure and shipwrecked remains from centuries past.

what’s hidden in the watery depths is so strange and mysterious that it belongs to whomever claims it. what they don’t tell you is that it’s actually your ocean, and if you don’t claim it, it will claim you. now, there’s always more sun on the surface. at the bottom of the ocean, you have to make your own light. you have to bring your own light. you have to illuminate your own depths and free yourself from the dark, from your own unconscious logic, and make it conscious. it’s not just to explore; the bottom of the ocean is not a curiosity. it’s where all of life comes from. it’s a womb as much as it is a tomb. so do you want to be buried there or do you want to find out, first, where you (and all of this) even came from?

we get knocked overboard every whenever, as an invitation. it’s not the siren’s call. your own depths will beckon without even a sound. this can eventually become the easiest or the hardest thing for you to ignore. make the journey today, make the journey tomorrow; they don’t care when you do it. but how many times do you want to fall off a boat?

77

allow it.

the best thing about “surrender” is finally being ok with not knowing. the “not knowing” is always and forever so what needs to change is you.

before you surrender, the unknown eats you alive and the uncertainty is too much to bear. life will unfold for you. you are held by the unseen. your entire life has been designed to help you reach this understanding. surrender is an allowing, so you will have to allow it. you will have to allow the uncertainty, the loss of control, the mess you made, and the help you need.

the universe won’t let you win if you’re playing wrong. so anything you do that’s not surrendering to the present unfolding of it all, you won’t find what you’re looking for down that path. the universe will make sure you learn what you need to learn, see what you need to see, and feel what you need to feel. the only reason you’re here is to experience what your soul asked for, and if you resist it in this lifetime, you will have all the lifetimes you need to receive what is meant for you.